Bloodstar

Before I start this, I’d like to say I’m a big fan of meditation and cognitive behavioral therapy.  Both have been a huge help to me.  I had to read this article twice to be sure I understood what it was saying and what points I disagree with.

I agree that it’s important to stay aware of your motivations and thought patterns.  For myself, when I stop keeping track of my thoughts and making an effort to keep them where I want them to be, I slowly coast into depression.

I don’t agree that we are DEFINED by those thoughts.  Thoughts, behaviors and emotions are easily changeable.  My “essence” is not defined by those things.  It’s a dangerous school of thought to say that someone who is operating from a selfish or manipulative place simply IS that way.   That may be where they are now, but it doesn’t mean that’s who they are.  Allowing them to believe that is their essence prevents them from having the capacity to change their patterns and become who they want to be.

If I write an article today and my motivation is purely selfish (which it often is, and I don’t see anything wrong with that) and it gets published—the job is done.  If I write it with a motivation of altruism and it gets published—the job is done.  What does it matter where my motivation comes from?  I don’t feel guilty that I do things for selfish reasons.  It doesn’t make me less of a person.

I’ve been fairly irritated with the whole spectacle about Scott Lee Cohen.  He’s a nominee for governor in Chicago, and he’s being forced to drop out due to some previous charges (which were later dropped) of domestic abuse.  Article here. Right, so he did something stupid and morally wrong once upon a time.  So what?  That doesn’t mean we need to label him a “wife beater” and throw rotten tomatoes at him.  People make mistakes.  We are not defined by our mistakes, and people shouldn’t be restricted from being successful in life just because they fucked up once.  I’m pretty sickened at the general public for being so intolerant and unforgiving.

Tags: Angelynna, Health, Musings, Political by Angelynna
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Saphris (asenapine)  is a new atypical antipsychotic for the treatment of bipolar disorder and schizophrenia.  I found out about its existence last week at my psychiatrist’s office.   He told me the drug rep had just been in, and he thought this med might really work for me.  I agreed to go ahead and be the guinea pig.

That evening, I took it as directed.  Placed the tablet under my tongue.  Immediately my mouth filled with the taste of medicine that was supposed to be swallowed as a pill, but had been crushed instead and put into applesauce–except I didn’t have the benefit of applesauce, given that there was to be no food or drink until ten minutes after taking it.

About 30 seconds later, my mouth started to burn.  Felt like I’d just gotten a cup of Mcdonalds coffee and poured it under my tongue.  It spread around my mouth, and worsened to the point of numbing most of my tongue.  I managed to wait 7 minutes before desperately searching for something to stop the pain.  Water, ice, milk, didn’t work.  While I was looking, though, I noticed the room going dark.  Oh, shit.  Ok, put the milk back in the fridge, stumble into the bedroom… huh?  It’s 11 am?  What happened?

I have no evidence except my own experience to support this, but I suspect this drug may have been distributed in sublingual form with horrible side effects because if it wasn’t, it would be the next date rape drug.

As far as regulating my moods… the next day, I had a series of panic attacks, and upon a conference with the on-call psychiatrist, decided to not give Saphris a second chance.

For a much more in depth and scientific (well, scientific except for all the foul language) peer review, please go here.

Tags: Angelynna, Health by Angelynna
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Several months ago I found myself in a situation where I was unable to afford the high cost of contract cell phone plans, so I decided to switch to a prepaid phone.  Straight Talk seemed like a great option–$30 for 1000 minutes and 1000 texts, or an unlimited plan for $45.   I bought their cheapest phone, and enrolled in the auto-pay program, so that I would automatically get my minutes refilled once a month.

No problems at first.  When the second month rolled around, they didn’t automatically give me the minutes on the date specified, nor on the day after, so I was stuck with no phone use for a few days.  I went ahead and made a one-time payment, assuming that I was not enrolled in the auto-pay after all.

All good for a few days.  Then I started having problems with my phone.  It basically deactivated itself repeatedly.   I spent three days on someone else’s phone with tech support, doing  just about everything possible to try to get my phone to work on a consistent basis.  Finally I gave up on it, and contacted their top parent company, which is Verizon.  They were unable to find any record of my account.   At this point I assumed, that since my phone was obviously deactivated and not working, my phone number had mysteriously disappeared from their records, and I was not enrolled in auto pay, that I would just use a different company and not have to deal with any of their BS any more.

The month went by.  I bought a new phone and found a new service provider that so far I’m very happy with.   Then I noticed a pending charge on my bank account.  Yep, the auto-pay had finally kicked in.  Honestly, my head is in such a spin from the number of phone calls I’ve had to make about this in the last two days, that I can’t give you exact details.  I did speak with a representative, who couldn’t help me.  I spoke with a floor supervisor, who couldn’t help me.  I spoke with a manager, who finally agreed to help.  She cancelled my account and promised that the pending charges would be dropped.

Several hours later, I get an email from Net10, who is the parent company of Straight Talk, but under Verizon.  It says “Thank you for your payment.”

As angry as I was to see this email, I was also quite happy to see that Net10 has an email customer service option, as I was a bit tired of dealing with CSR’s who are apparently unable to do anything customer service related.  So I sent an email explaining the situation.  Shortly after, I got an email reply stating they cannot deal with my issue via email and I needed to call them.   Ugh.

This morning I got up and called Net10.  The guy I spoke to at first, was unable to help me.  Big surprise.  He transferred me to a claims department.   I spent about a half hour on the phone with the woman there, who had to repeatedly ask me to wait on hold so that she could contact “the other department.”   The really interesting part of this phone call was that she had to verify things such as my social security number and the name of my high school.  I thought there was no credit check involved in prepaid phone services.  Why did she have access to that information, let alone need to verify it in order to process a refund, when the information about the problems I’d been having was surely right there on her computer?

Finally, she said that she’d processed the refund, and it should show up in my bank within 24 hours.  I’m not sure I believe her.  Part of me thinks that when I gave them my debit card information to purchase that first month of minutes, I committed for life.

On Net10’s website:

No bills.  No contracts.  No overages.  NO EVIL.  (emphasis mine)

Tags: Angelynna, Financial, rant by Angelynna
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On the Flow

Several hours peace and calm

forget the pain; regain my mind.

Laying on the warm soft bed

Til you decide to come inside.

Leather whips and chains that bind

won’t make me quake; won’t make me cry,

it’s when you speak in tones of hate

it’s then my insides start to shake.

Pull the trigger like a gun.

The feeling grows and starts to run

through my veins so thick and black

no stopping now, no going back.

I despise what I become

when you start to have your fun.

Love and hate soon intertwine

Then I tell you all

I’m fine

Tags: Angelynna, Poetry by Angelynna
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