Nice as a Qualifier
I hear it all the time. I find it most aggravating when used in response to my inquisition of another person’s character.
“Do you think I’d like her?” “Yea she’s nice.”
“Is he a good guy?” “For sure – he’s really nice.”
“Is he qualified to fix the pressure monitor of my hyperbaric chamber?” “Well he’s really nice..”
Great, super, excellent—but not what I was asking! I’m sure Satan can be a nice guy, but does that mean I want him to fix my hyperbaric chamber? Probably not – it wasn’t cheap.
Lots of people are nice. In fact, I conjecture that if any one person meets another at the perfect moment in time, where the respective circumstances create emotional synergies, the moods of the day coincide, the stars align and George Bush falls down a flight of stairs face first on camera, that any one person is capable of thinking every other person on the planet is a “nice” person. But are they all nice people?
Let’s define “nice.” Webster’s has it “1. pleasing; agreeable; delightful.” Basically, it means “they didn’t offend me,” “they are funny” or perhaps even “they kissed my ass a lot.” But really, is this a good trait? In my view, all too often they simply adapted their personality and opinions so as to not be in conflict with your own. This means that they are very likely (or hopefully?) censoring themselves and not speaking their mind, which could mean that they are lying, withholding information, or just dodging subjects. What’s more, they could be agreeable simple because they are void of their own opinions due to a lack of interest or just sheer stupidity. I don’t know about you, but I don’t particularly find a liar, someone who is void of depth, opinions, interest, or who is an idiot to be a the person whose friendship I find myself pursuing.
To me, a truly nice person is someone who is skilled in the art of delivering the truth in a nice package so that the recipient accepts it with open arms, without having been deceived about the other’s interest, motives or knowledge. This is something in which I fail miserably, usually daily, but I prefer to err on the side of being truthful than agreeable. Nice is telling someone that, yes, those pants do make you look fat; yes, you chew with your mouth open and it pisses me off; no, you’re not that good in bed, but when they tell you, you don’t mind and in fact embrace the new knowledge. Telling someone that they don’t look fat isn’t nice – it’s lying. Since when did lying become nice? (Note: If the person actually IS fat, I don’t know what to do then. I guess the pants don’t make them look fat because they are fat, so you could logically get away with saying “no” since it isn’t technically a lie.)
This is why when you qualify someone as worthy of knowing, or God forbid go so far as to qualify their character because they are “nice”, I am not satisfied; all I am hearing is a long list of potential motives or reasons for their agreeability, conscious or not. This is not to say that there aren’t people out there who do manage to be agreeable while being an intelligent, interested, and opinionated at the same time–a grand and rare balance to be achieved—but I am certain that people have varying definitions for the word, different standards for achieving what is truly “nice” and the due diligence involved in making such a conclusion about someone. Thus, I will always require more information, more background, and more face-to-face time with someone who is described as “nice.”